Another random kyman oneshot
by Yamachinostalgia
Summary: Its the day after Kyle comes out publicly, and Cartman is torn, and brooding. He wants his Jew, but he can't force Kyle to give him a chance. Cartman's POV bits of fluff and wanting... Cute banter and a gay bar.


He came out publicly yesterday. Everyone knows he's gay. I know this is my chance. This is the only shot I got to sweep him off his feet. The walk to the bus stop feels more dragged out then ever before.

"Sup fags?" I ask as I approach the other three boys.

"Real tactful." Kyle replies, rolling his eyes. My heart is pounding.

"Well you know me." I shrugged. He gave me a strange look.

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"So you guys going to Token's party?" Kenny asks disinterestedly.

"Of course, man. Even if I didn't want to, Wendy's gonna be there." Stan frowned.

"And we all know what a slut she is after a few drinks." I grinned. Usually she drags Stan off somewhere, but if he refuses, or isn't there, somehow I become the back up. You have no idea how many drunken lap dances I've gotten from her with Stan just a few feet away. Dumb skanks.

"Just keep your hands off her." Stan growled.

"Well then how am I suppose to stop her from raping me?" I laughed. He just steamed silently.

"K, so Kyle? You coming?" Kenny asked, turning to the red head.

"I don't know. I think people are still a little weirded out by me and my... Announcement..." Kyle shrugged.

"Kyle. It's not like they think your going to give them all Wendy-dances." Kenny laughs.

"Hey! Can we not use my girl friend's name to describe stripper dances!?" Stan growled out, turning red.

"Why? When the slipper fits.. Or, maybe thong in this case?" I pondered with a smirk.

"My point is, you're still you, and as far as we know you are the only gay guy in South Park. So as long as you remember that, no ones going to have a problem with you." Kenny shrugs. I subconsciously gulp, and Kyle just sighs in defeat.

"Ok, fine. I'll stop by at least for a minute." he shrugs.

"Alright! Full crew!" Kenny beams. The three of them continue talking, but I can't pay attention. No, I'm much to focused on my gay little Jew. God he's fucking perfect. His flawless, creamy, pale skin... His angular, sharp features, his insanely soft looking red curls that topple down to his shoulders. God his small, fragile looking shoulders... My eyes trail further down, enjoying the tight thermal he's wearing.

"So have you thought about going to a gay bar to meet some guys?" Kenny asks, and my attention snaps to him. Like hell hes going to meet some gay guy! No. I won't let that happen.

"It just feels weird doing something like that alone." he shrugs, adorably embarrassed. Kenny laughs.

"I see your delema. Sorry bro, I would help, but not that much." he laughs.

"I think Wendy would literally give me a heart attack if I asked her if I could help." Stan rolls his eyes.

"So no. Unless I find someone who doesn't mind being confused for gay-"

"I'll go." I offer before my brain catches up. It's still for a long time.

"What?" Kyle asks, eyeing me suspiciously.

"I said I'll go with you. We can take my moms van if you want." I shrug, trying to act like my heart wasn't popping out of my chest cartoonishly.

"Ok... And what's in it for you?" he sighs wearily.

"Besides getting served delicious alcohol instead of drinking beer from a keg?"

"They do card, you know." Kenny laughs.

"So do all sorts of places. That's why I got a fake ID." I smirked.

"Dude! Why didn't you tell me this sooner!?" Kenny freaked out.

"Uhm, because I know you'd have me buy all sorts of shit for you, and I'm not that nice?" I reply. He just pouts.

"So your willing to take me to a gay bar just to get girly drinks?" Kyle crosses his arms. He wasn't buying it.

"Yep. Besides, I want to see how many stereotypes are true across the board." I grin.

"Besides, Kyle. Your going there to meet guys. If Cartman's willing to drive there and hangout waiting for you... Can you really be that picky?" Stan pitched in as he distractedly txted on his phone. Kyle sighed.

"Ok fine. When?" he asked, looking up at me blankly. I just shrug.

"Whenever. I'm not too excited about this party if you want to go tonight."

"Cartman, you never miss one of Token's parties." Kenny frowns.

"Yeah, but I know them so well.." I shrug before continuing. "We show up, people are wasted, we play beer pong or flippy cup for a while, Stan turns Wendy down, she grinds on me, if Stan doesn't stop it, we make out a little, then Craig stumbles by in his underwear and passes out under a table or under a bed, then Red and Bebe start karaoke and it's all downhill from there." I summarized.

"You made out with Wendy!?" Stan shouts, turning bright red again.

"Just a little." I shrug. We never did, but I like to think Wendy and I have this unspoken agreement to piss Stan off.

"Well. That is about 90 percent of the parties." Kyle frowned. "Ok, tonight." he agrees. Sweet...

School moves by far too slowly for me, but finally lunch time arrives. It's the only time I have during school with the guys. Surprisingly I don't have a single class with any of them. I plop down across from Stan and Kyle, Kenny sitting next to me.

"So I think the best gay bar that's close by is about a forty minute drive, is that ok?" Kyle asks me, eyes soft and curious.

"Hm. Sure." I reply, trying to seem like I'm not lost in his emerald eyes.

"Ok, and if you wanted to eat something first, there's apparently this kick ass Italian place on the drive there. I've never been, but I heard they have the best pizza ever." he grins. I can't help but return the smile.

"Sounds fun." Sounds like a date.

"O-ok, good. So I'm going to want to run home first-"

"So I'll pick you up around six thirty or seven?" I ask, still smirking somewhat dreamily.

"Sounds great." he beamed.

"Wow." Kenny gapes at us. "I was expecting this to go a lot more homicidally." he laughs.

The rest of the day I tried to imagine how I could win over my precious little Jew. The problem was that even if I got him comfortable with me, he'd never want anything lasting, not like I do. I could try my best to be... Someone he might want... But one perfect day won't convince him that I'm enough for him. The sad truth is, no matter what I do, he will never love me. I scoffed as I headed to the bus stop. Even if he finally put his trust in me, I'll only let him down. I smiled softly as I saw the little Jew bounce around excitedly as I approached.

"I just can't believe I'm finally doing something like this!" he grins.

"I can't believe you and Cartman are ditching us tonight." Kenny whines.

"Well you both should start, because this is happening." I sigh as I take my place next to Kenny.

"Having second thoughts?" Kenny smiled up at me.

"Nah, just realizing how many gays I'm gonna have to turn down." and wondering how the hell I can scare guys away from my Jew.

"Well gay guys are gossips, right? So I figure after the first couple." Kenny shrugs.

"Are you guys gonna start clumping me into all those stereotypes too?" Kyle sighs.

"Well you already fit a good amount of them." I shrug.

"Like what?" Kyle frowns as the bus pulls up.

"Like your smallness? Or the girly skin? The hair products?"

"I dont use hair products."

"Suure you don't." I roll my eyes. He just gives me a strange look. When the bus drops us off I wave to the guys.

"Six thirty Kahl!" I yell over my shoulder.  
When I get home I take a shower, and do my best to dress nicer. I'm no gay, so I'm sure even in my nice black button up shirt and black jeans I'll stand out like crazy. I'll probably be underdressed or something. God, all these gays are going to look so much better than me. Kyle's not even going to notice me. I sigh, but spray myself with my finer cologne and slip my golden swastika around my neck. I stare at myself in the mirror for a long while, wondering if I should chuck the necklace. Maybe it would piss him off too much. I scoffed. Whatever, I'm low on time and he's not going to give me a second glance anyways.

"Moom I'm taking the car!" I yell on my way down the stairs.

"Ok! Have fun poopsie kins!"

When I get to Kyle's I txt him that I'm outside.  
'K, hang on.' he txts back. I groan. I gave him plenty of time already. Twenty minutes later he hops out of his house, and I swear, bounces over to my car in slow motion. Black tight jeans, thin, loose, shoulder cut tee shirt, and a goddamn dog collar. My god, I could jizz right here.

"Hey." he grins as he hops in next to me.

"What's up with the dog collar?" I ask, trying my best not to think of all kinda of sexual uses for it.

"Oh. Well, I don't know, I always thought it was kind of hot, and I figure I should attract guys that like the same stuff I do." he shrugs.

"So what. Bdsm? Auto-erotic asphyxiation?" I teased as I pulled out the driveway. He giggles.

"Well I definitely am not planning on getting that far tonight, but it doesnt hurt to keep it in mind." he shrugs. I'm grabbing onto the steering wheel so hard my knuckles are white. Goddamn it. He just has to be into all the right sex. He plugs his phone into the radio and starts flipping through his music.  
We didn't talk much for the rest of the drive, but he seemed to be getting more and more excited, the longer we drive. I pulled into the Italian restraunt with a sigh.

"Oh my god. This place is huge." he gapes. The building reminded me of an old museum, or historical site, or something. The ceiling was raised and domed, and everything was in deep reds and golds. Thank god I brought a shit ton of cash. We're seated by a window overlooking a drop off in the woods. It was crazy being able to watch the birds fly above the treetops. As planned, we ordered a gourmet pizza. He ordered an orange crush, I ordered a coke.

"This place is incredible, but I'm probably going to go broke before I even get to the bar." he frowns.

"Well. It's not like you have a fake ID." I shrug.

"Yeah, but they over price soda too." god he's cute when he pouts.

"Tell you what. Well split the pizza fifty-fifty, and if you run out of money I'll buy your drinks when we get there." I offered. It seemed like a good way to make sure he doesn't ditch me completely.

"I really feel like I should be concerned about how cool your being to me today." he frowned. I felt the blush instantly rise to my cheeks.

"Well you shouldn't! Jesus, can't a guy support his frienemy durring a rough patch without it being made into some big deal?" I huffed defensively.

"Right." he replied in a suspicious tone. "Well I guess I won't question it then. But thanks." he smiles warmly up at me, and again my heart lights up.

"Anytime." I sigh.

"You think the party's started yet?" he asked as the pizza was laid in front of us.

"mm 7:25? Nah, not yet. Stan and Kenny will probably get there like an hour after we get to the bar." I shrug. I know our routine all too well.

"Hm. Maybe we can make it back in time." he takes a large bite of his pizza, cheese stretching from his mouth to his plate.

"Hadn't thought about that. But I'm not bringing your new boytoy in my car!" I hiss.

"Of course not. God, boytoy." he scoffs. "I'm just flirting around today, not jumping in some guys pants." he defends, rolling his eyes.

"Well good, cuz I'm seriously." I say seriously. He smiles up at me with pizza sauce on his face. Why the goddamn hell is he so adorable?!

"I just meant if we make it back by 11 we might catch karaoke." he smiles.

"What, now that you're gay you're going to join in?" I chuckle, finally starting on my own meal.

"It's not like I just became gay. I've always been gay, it's only now I understand and accept it." he pouts. I stare at him for a minute.

"So you've always been gay?" I blink. It made sense, but suddenly our childhood gay moments seemed so much more... Real.

"Yeah. I mean I didn't fully understand that until this past year, but I've never thought about sex with a girl or anything." he explains quietly, focusing in his food.

"But you've thought about sex with a guy?"

"Yep." he replied, now blushing quite a bit.

"What guy?" I couldn't help but ask.

"What?" he asks back, startled.

"It's Stan, right? The thought of Stan fucking you made you gay." I guess.

"No! It wasn't Stan, and nothing made me gay!" he defends loudly, drawing the attention of several surrounding tables.

"Ok! Ok." I pout. "But you had to of had a starting crush, some one that made you know for sure." I try again. Pathetic really. I knew it could never be me. Shit, any other guy in southpark had a better chance then me. Literally any of them.

"And why is that? I couldn't have just started dreaming about generic male features?" he asks, in a bit of a snotty tone.

"I guess. Whatever, not important. So does your bitch mom know yet?" I ask casually. He shakes his head as he chews, waiting to swollow before answering.

"Not yet. I wanted to wait until after the party incase the worst happens." he shrugs.

"What, she's going to ground you for not liking poontang?" I chuckle.

"I don't know. I've just heard a lot of horror stories about kids coming out to their parents. And my moms always wanted me to grow up, be a lawyer, marry a nice Jewish girl, and give her 2.5 grand kids." he frowns.

"2.5?" I ask, arching a brow.

"National average. You know, stereotypical number of kids for the stereotypical family." he shrugs sadly.

"Yeah, but how can you have two point five kids?"

"You can't-"

"-Espesially without a uterus." I inturupt, but it seems to cheer him back up a bit.

"Right? Anyways, I just wanted some freedom before I get all stressed over her." he shrugs.

"Solid plan. Although if she saw you leaving in that outfit I'm sure she already knows." I tease.

He sighs loudly as he pushes his pizza away. I frown at the three bare crusts on his plate. What a waste, the crust is the best part! Espesially here, with whatever magical angel seasoning they bake into it. I reach across the table and steal one. He watches me quizzically as I munch on it.

"There's plenty left." he gestures to the quarter of the pizza left. I just shrug.

"Just wanted more crust." I explain, mouth full of crumbs. I call for the bill and Kyle and I each leave half for it, although I leave the tip. On the way back to the car he sighs happily.

"That was probably the best pizza I've ever had." he smiles, hopping into the car with me.

"Definitely. We should go there more often." I nodded, starting up the car.

"Mmh, if it wasn't a half hour away, and super expensive." he smiles, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. I'm going below the speed limit, driving extra carefully. My eyes keep drifting over to his peaceful face. I gasp and veer back into my own lane.

"Jesus! What just happened!?" he jumps.

"Nothing! Some moron swerved out of his lane." I muttered.

I parked the car near the back of the lot. This was a huge fucking club, and the parking lot was packed. My Jew would have no problem loosing me here. I sigh as I step out of the car. I lock it and begin walking to the entrance, when Kyle grabs my arm, pulling me faster.

"Goddamn. Excited much?" I grummble.

"Well I've never been able to flirt before! I mean I've never been able to be open about what or who I want!" he grins, still basically bouncing. We walked in the doors and I couldn't help but laugh. Just as I imagined it: lots of colors, noise, and bubbles. I grab Kyle's hand on my arm.

"Now don't just run off." I yell to him over the music. "I'm either going to be at this table or by the bar, ok?"

"Ok! I won't be long!" god the way his eyes are sparkling. I hesitantly let him slip away before trudging up to the bar.

"Let me get something strong and delicious." I tell the dancing bartender. He grins at me.

"I get off at two!" he winks. I stare at him for a minute.

"Something with vodka." I clarify. He nods, and begins mixing me up something. I lean against the bar, looking back over the dance floor. Jesus Christ. He's already got half the room watching him. Not that I'm surprised, look at his dancing! That's what's really surprising. No Jew should be able to swing their hips like... That.

"That'll be twelve fifty." the bartender yells, handing me a blue girly drink. I hand him a twenty. And go back to watching the show. I gag a little as I see a tall, handsome looking man dancing with my little Jew. God how I wanted to beat his face in. I chug my drink and call the bar tender back over.

"That was great, but add more vodka! I need something stronger!" I yell to him. He nods, and whips me up another. I hand him another twenty. I try to tip pretty good at bars because I'm so damn picky like this. I'm sure if I didn't they'd spit in my overly complicated drink.

I chug this one too, just watching my Jew sadly. God, he really seemed to be having a lot of fun dancing with that guy. I sighed.

"Hey stud. You alone tonight?" I looked around, before seeing the short blond at my side. He had that emo thing going on.

"Just chaperoning." I reply signalling the bartender to whip another.

"Aw so your not... Interested?" I looked down at the blond for a minute, before looking over to the dance floor. The guy was practically dryhumping my Jew.

"Well. Whenever my slut friend and I leave we're gone, but if you want to have a drink with me." I shrug, sliding my new drink to him, as the bartender hands me another. I slide over fourty.

I have to admit I was pretty drunk at this point. This damn blond kept talking to me, but all I could focus on was Kyle. He was making out with that douche in a booth across the way.

"Hey." he said, placing his hand on my leg. My attention snapped to him, my face going red. "I'm guessing he doesn't want you. But I know I sure do." his hand begins rubbing my thigh, and he bites his lip lightly.

"You... What?" I ask, a little confused. He giggles, but leans over and kisses me. Whatever. Kyle's making out with some random guy, I might as well too. I kiss back, pulling him closer. After a long minute he pulls away, immediately getting rocked in the face. I jump back, gaping at Kyle.

"What the hell!" the blonde screams.

"Yeah Kahl, what the hell?" I frown. The Jew stares up at me with the strangest expression I've ever seen in my life. Like fear, anger, confusion, and so much more that I could never understand. He looks down at the blonde before dashing out the door. I sprint after after him.

"Kyle! Kyle!" I yell after him he stops by the car, wiping his eye with the back of his hand. "Kyle what the hell was that?" I ask softly, even though my ears were still ringing. He doesn't look at me.

"Yeah, 'what the hell' is right. You do know you were making out with a guy, right?" he seethes.

"What? Kyle were at a gay bar, of course I-"

"Then what the hell! Are you gay?" he screams at me. My heart seems to stop.

"Not entirely. But maybe." I shrug. Shit, and just when he was letting me be a friend. Now I have to go and make things weird.

"So that's why you wanted to come with? To test your sexuality?" he asks softly, confused.

"No, that guy just happened!" I explained. "I was watching you dance, and eat face with that douche, and that guy and I started talking." I shrugged. Why was this such a big deal? "So he kissed me, and it wasn't repulsive, so I kissed back, and then you punched him in the eye. So... Mind explaining that bit?" I crossed my arms, waiting for Kyle to answer. He bit his lip lightly.

"I-" he starts, but pauses again, tearing his lip up a bit more. "Promise you won't just leave me here?" he asks in a bit of a squeaky tone.

"What? Of course I won't just leave-"

"-I was jealous."

"what?" I ask, nearly monotone. Did he just say... Did that mean... Shit, was this real?

"I-I didn't want that guy on you." he won't look at me, but I'm watching him fidget nervously.

"Why?" I somehow manage to ask. Finally he looks up at me, fear laced in his eyes.

"Because you were right. There was some one who made me realize that I'm gay. Some one that I can't get over no matter how hard I try. For gods sake, I was making out with a law student, and I ditched him the second I saw that guy on you." he huffs, darting his eyes away from me.

"So..." I start, still unsure if what he's saying is just me hearing it wishfully.

"So I like you. A lot. And I couldn't deal with someone else being where I wanted to be for so fucking long." he nearly whispers.

"You... want me to kiss you?" I asked, still stunned. He looked up at me, his eyes still wide with worry.

"Only if it means more." he told me. I stare at him for a minute too long, before slowly bringing my hand up to his cheek. I brushed my thumb lightly against the soft pale skin there, before pulling his waist to me tightly with my other hand. He's just looking up at me in wonder, and I'm sure I match the look. An eternity passes before I lean down, capturing his lips in mine. He seems to melt into me and I can't help but let out some kind of whimpering moan. As soon as I do, he deepens the kiss, stretching his arms around my neck. I bury my hands in the loose fabric by the small of his back, my entire being shaking with ecstasy. He nibbles on my lower lip and I lose it. I pick him up, turning us around so I have him pressed against the car. I growl deeply as I kiss down his jaw and nuzzle into his neck a little. He smells like strawberries and pomegranate. I kiss and nibble and lick, his right hand in my hair, his left on the back of my neck. He moans, scratching me from my neck to my shoulder. I gasp, pulling back.

"W-what? Sorry, was that too hard?" he asks nervously, still pinned up on the car.

"Never. Just...Really having a hard time stopping." I growl out, setting my forehead on his shoulder.

"Wait; you mean-oh!" it seems to dawn on him slowly that we shouldn't fuck in a parking lot, but then he squirms, signalling for me to set him down. "We should probably go then." he smiles, blushing madly.

"Yeah, about that? I'm pretty wasted right now." I admitted, laughing lightly as I set him down.

"Seriously?" he frowns.

"Well yeah, that is why I came with." I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

"So... What's the plan now?" he asks almost shyly.

"Well I'm assuming you have a license?" I hold out the keys, jingling them lightly.

"No. I don't." he scowled a little.

"How do you not have your license? You're 18, Kyle!" I laughed.

"I just haven't got around to it. Besides, I need a job to save money to buy a car, so I figured I had time." he fidgets.

"Right, but after years of unemployment...?" I ask.

"Jesus, like you're much better!" he scoffed.

"I don't need a job yet, I have investments that have paid off very nicely so far." I argued.

"And yet you say only Jews-"

"-Says the fag who's Jew mom won't buy him a car like a normal white American parent!"

"Goddamn it Cartman! Can you cut the racist shit long enough to figure out what the hell we're doing?!" he yelled, crossing his arms. I let my eyes trail over him, adoring the new freedom in it. His jaw clenched, and I could tell he was pissed.

"God your sexy all pissed off.." I mutter unintentionally. He looks up at me in shock.

"Don't tell me that's why you've been pissing me off all these years." he frowns.

"Mmh, fifty-fifty?" I shrug.

"Whatever." he rolls his eyes. "So what's the plan?" he asks again. I flip through my wallet.

"Catch a cab?" I shrug. Luckily there were a lot in the area-I suppose that's how it would be for all large bars, but this was definitely the biggest I've seen-and before long we were headed to Token's house. About five minutes in, Kyle scooted over to me, and leaned his head on my shoulder. My heart literally felt like it might bludgeon itself against my chest. He slipped his hand in mine, and I stroked his thumb with a content sigh. We stayed cuddled up until the cab stopped outside the party. I payed for it, and we stepped out onto the side walk. I stretched as the cab drove off.

"All in all, not a bad first date." I grin at him.

"Is that what you'd call that? Because I really don't want to go over those details with other people." He blushes. I just laugh, but suddenly his expression turns almost shocked. "Unless you weren't going to tell anyone-" God I have never seen him nervous like this.

"What? About you punching that kid in his fucking eye? Of course I'm telling everyone about that the minute we go in there." I frowned. He looks up at me quizzically.

"But no one knows you're gay." he fidgets nervously.

"So? No one knows I'm straight either. But everyone needs to know that you're mine." I grin as he lets me pull him into a kiss. "Now come on." I check the time on my phone. "I bet we can make it in time for me to deny Wendy and make a big scene about us!" I grinned.

"W-well we don't need to make a big scene.." he blushes.

"Ok, fine. But let's go." I frowned. I kissed him quickly before leading the way, holding his small hand in my own.

We walked into the house and I immediately pulled Kyle to the beer pong table. Yep. Stan vs Craig, and Craig looked way too drunk already. Jesus, only ten o'clock and the kid's about ready to curl up under the table.

Kyle and I stand by the sound system and watch the game. Just in time; Wendy looks extremely impatient with Stan. I grin as she notices me and walks over.

"Cartman!" Kyle warns over the ear-rapingly loud music. I wink at him. Wendy goes to get all touchy with me again, but I hold her back with one hand, while shutting the music off with the other.

"SORRY WENDY, I CANT MAKE OUT WITH YOU! I BELONG TO KAHL NOW!" I yelled through out the house. All eyes were on us. I grinned down at Kyle proudly, but he was just covering his blushing face.

"So thanks for not making a big scene." he mumbled sarcastically.

"Anytime, my love." I grinned before turning the music back on.


End file.
